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a.t.v.i.a.n.a

~ things I want them to be preserved

a.t.v.i.a.n.a

Category Archives: A cup of poetry

What is the point?

24 Monday Aug 2020

Posted by Atviana in A cup of poetry, Revealing Me <3

≈ 1 Comment

What is the point of everything?

I suffer, you suffer, everyone is suffering…

If you said you were finding your happiness, is it actually everyone finding their own happiness as well?

Is happiness what everyone wants?

…

Rabbana aattinaa fiddunnya khasanah, wa fil aaakhirati khasanah?

Doa yang selalu kita panjatkan, memohon kebahagiaan dunia dan akhirat?

So, if everyone is in anguish? What is the point of everything?

Why did you bother to start everything?

***

My life will never be the same, I am broken inside, and I don’t see any way out of it. I’m waiting for time to actually heal, but no, it is not it, I’m not there yet, it is still bleeding and I don’t know what to do…

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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Aktualisasi Diri dan Kenangan

23 Thursday Jul 2020

Posted by Atviana in A cup of poetry, Art of motherhood, Revealing Me <3

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Kenangan, lesson learned, lesson learnt, life lesson, Melipat Jarak, poem, poetry, puisi, sapardi djoko damono

Aktualisasi Diri

Benar-benar sebuah pengalaman aktualisasi diri—meski setelah semua yang telah dilalui. 

Hari ini saya baru saja menghadiri rapat orang tua murid sekolah anak, membahas bagaimana rencana belajar mengajar selama satu semester ke depan. Meski setelah semua yang terjadi, sangat bahagia rasanya, secara individu sebagai saya, ataupun sebagai orang tua—Ibunya anak, saya masih dimampukan untuk berdiri tegak di sana, memiliki suara, memiliki kemampuan memilih dan menentukan serta dihargai. Continue reading →

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Is it fun to you?

22 Friday May 2020

Posted by Atviana in A cup of poetry, Revealing Me <3

≈ Leave a comment

Is it fun to you, to see another human being struggling just even to breath?

Is it really fun to you?

Maybe you are addicted to the adrenaline.

When you don’t have anything to do you turn to me, again and again…

Are you happy? Ppfftt… I don’t think so.

You will always be living in the fear that you might be experiencing what I have been through.

It is just a matter of time, you could be me. You could be me.

It is just a matter of time. It is really just a matter of time.

So, just leave me alone.

 

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late night confession of Oct 1st

01 Tuesday Oct 2019

Posted by Atviana in A cup of poetry

≈ 2 Comments

I don’t know what to name this post.

I started this day with bucket of tears even before I fell asleep.

Unconsciously, I feel so drained without knowing the reason.

The reason that deep down is—always—laying on the floor,

of the hollow,

of my soul.

…

Apparently I am not so done about this.

Something is still lingering, and scratching my skin.

And sometimes hurts my heart too.

💔

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I could see you

08 Friday Feb 2019

Posted by Atviana in A cup of poetry

≈ 2 Comments

I could see you but I couldn’t see you

I could hear you, I listened to you, but I didn’t understand even any one random single word out of your mouth

I could touch you but I couldn’t feel the warmth

I did love you but I was only left in pain

I thought I knew but I didn’t

I thought I could see you but I couldn’t

I couldn’t see your dark soul through all these dirty glass walls

7.2.2019

Picture borrowed from Pexels

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satu tahun sudah

26 Monday Nov 2018

Posted by Atviana in A cup of poetry

≈ 4 Comments

Ternyata setahun telah berlalu, dari titik di mana saya disadarkan kepada kenyataan.
Yang mulanya adalah ketidaktahuan nan lugu semerta-merta terganti pengetahuan buas yang merenggut jantung dari rongga dada, dan menghempaskannya ke lantai begitu saja.

Saya pernah menjadi seperti zombie,
semacam kehilangan jiwa, tidak tidur, tidak makan, bersyukur masih teringat Tuhan.

Ya, sudah setahun sejak saat itu. Putraku saja sudah mampu berlari.
Dari gumaman aaa uuu hingga kini bisa ikut bernyanyi, merangkai frasa,
menjadi teman bicara,
penghibur lara.

Sesekali sesak masih terasa di dada, seperti kehilangan udara, sedetik dua detik, ketika otak kekurangan oksigen, dan seakan syaraf dan sel-selnya mati sedikit demi sedikit, dengan nyeri di mana-mana.

Tetapi, saya tidak sendiri.
Tidak pernah sendiri.

Sampai detik ini pun saya masih tidak paham mengapa. Tidak ada akal sehat dan norma yang membenarkan, perbuatannya seakan tidak pernah mengenal Tuhan.

Kemudian saya teringat, seorang Guru pernah memberi nasihat,

Jikalau ada yang menyakitimu dan berlaku tidak adil kepadamu, tidak perlulah risau, itu bukan kerusakan yang dilakukan terhadapmu, tetapi pelanggaran terhadap apa yang telah Alloh perintahkan.

Hanya ini saja yang kami genggam, hanya ini sajalah yang menjadi pegangan.

Dan nanti,
ketika tahun demi tahun silih berganti,
seperti hari ini,
saya akan mengingatnya kembali,
tanpa rasa nyeri.

Semoga Alloh meridhoi.

Senin ba’da ashar di pembaringan bersama putraku yang terlelap, di tengah hari yang kelabu

November 26, 2018

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what is left for me?

19 Sunday Aug 2018

Posted by Atviana in A cup of poetry, Revealing Me <3

≈ Leave a comment

What is left for somebody like me?

After all that battle? When pride was stepped and crushed into almost nothing?

What left is only my damn arrogance.

My “I am fine” wall is built from nothing else but arrogance.

These days I travel to many places like crazy, I meet deadline like it is nothing, and I face drama after drama after drama.

It is extremely tiring, exhausting and totally draining my emotions, patience.

But what would I be if I didn’t give my best?

I have to give my best. I can’t give up. It is not only about today or tomorrow, it is about years from now, it is about future in dunya and akhirah.

It is about the Faith!

…

I write this post to remind me how far I have been walking, how Alloh will never fail to amaze me in the perfect timing.

What I have to do is keep walking patiently.

…

On my way to Solo, 8:38 pm

atviana

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it is where I belong

14 Tuesday Jun 2016

Posted by Atviana in A cup of poetry, Revealing Me <3

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

daily life, friendship, home, life, Love, poem, poetry, romantic

ed1

it is where I belong

I, almost certainly say Pati is my wonder place,
where I could rest all my anxiety and stress

but Jayapura is always there,
where I store those happiest childhood memories ever

then, Yogyakarta will always be my favorite,
no matter how far I’ve gone it always be home

still, Bogor is where I’ve rooted for so long,
where I found friendships, love and all what could come along

and then again, now Jakarta is where I stand,
with its numerous chances, it gives me spaces
to aspire, to dream,
and to be dare facing what life could bring

 

14/06/2016 two more days to be exact 27. Haa. Tell me more!
cheers,

atviana

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Di Beranda Waktu Hujan

22 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by Atviana in A cup of poetry, Photography

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Tags

butir hujan di balkon, butir hujan di jendela, Di Beranda Waktu Hujan, feeling blue, hujan, hujan bulan juni, hujan pada jendela, poem, poetry, puisi, sapardi djoko damono

Still, reading Hujan Bulan Juni (SDD, 2013), and tonight while waiting my loading arcgis window I turned to page 47 randomly and found this. Every single line is just contemplating what I’m feeling, what I want to say.
And eventually it’s raining outside…

Di Beranda Waktu Hujan

Kausebut kenanganmu nyanyian (dan bukan matahari
yang menerbitkan debu jalanan, yang menajamkan
warna-warni bunga yang dirangkaikan) yang menghapus
jejak-jejak kaki, yang senantiasa berulang
dalam hujan. Kau di beranda,
sendiri, “Ke mana pula burung-burung itu (yang bahkan
tak pernah kaulihat, yang menjelma semacam nyanyian,
semacam keheningan) terbang; ke mana pula siut daun
yang berayun jatuh dalam setiap impian?”

(Dan bukan kemarau yang membersihkan langit,
yang pelahan mengendap di udara) kausebut cintamu
penghujan panjang, yang tak habis-habisnya
membersihkan debu, yang bernyanyi di halaman.
Di beranda kau duduk,
sendiri, “Di mana pula sekawanan kupu-kupu itu,
menghindar dari pandangku; di mana pula
(ah, tidak!) rinduku yang dahulu?”

Kau pun di beranda, mendengar dan tak mendengar
kepada hujan, sendiri,
“Di manakah sorgaku itu: nyanyian
yang pernah mereka ajarkan padaku dahulu,
kata demi kata yang pernah kuhafal
bahkan dalam igauanku?” Dan kausebut
hidupmu sore hari (dan bukan siang
yang bernafas dengan sengit
yang tiba-tiba mengeras di bawah matahari) yang basah,
yang meleleh dalam senandung hujan,
yang larut.
Amin

(1970)

hujan pada jendela

hujan pada jendela

And I just suddenly feel so blue out of nowhere.

atviana

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Sepilihan Sajak: Hujan Bulan Juni

16 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by Atviana in A cup of poetry, Photography

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

aku ingin, hujan, hujan bulan juni, photography, poem, poetry, puisi, rain, review buku, review hujan bulan juni, review kumpulan sajak, sajak, sapardi djoko damono

Hujan Bulan Juni: Leaf

Assalamu ‘alaykum reader sekalian…

Apa kabar? Selamat Tahun baru yaa…

Ini adalah tulisan pertama saya di tahun 2014, dan untuk mengawali tahun ini saya menulisnya dalam Bahasa Indonesia —dengan pertimbangan materi isi tulisan. Well, awal tahun ini saya mendapat kiriman hadiah dari sahabat saya Firdani Asri di Pekayon yakni buku kumpulan sajak Hujan Bulan Juni karya Bapak Sapardi Djoko Damono edisi terbaru. You guess what? Continue reading →

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Hello this is atviana

Hi there,

Really appreciate the time you make to visit my personal blog. I usually write about daily randomness, personal thought on life–while now probably many more will be featured: the art of motherhood, travelling, arts, potography and FOOD!!!

Enjoy,

atviana

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