Why would I change now? Seven years and counting… Not even a slight chance! We burnt that bridge years ago…
23 Tuesday Apr 2024
Posted Some Speeches (bla..bla..)
in23 Tuesday Apr 2024
Posted Some Speeches (bla..bla..)
in03 Wednesday Jan 2024
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2023 in Review, Annual Review, autumn, Cruel Summer, Daylight, Eras Tour, friendship, Golden Autumn, Golden Hour IU, Japan, lesson learned, life, life lesson, Love, photography, Recap, romantic, Taylor Swift, travel
Ah apalah.. apalah…
Assalamu alaikum dear readers…
It’s been a really very long time for me not to post anything longer than 2 lines of my lash-out at something. Terus kayaknya untuk summary of 2023, yang tadinya niatnya mau bikin Reel, kok tetiba ada niat dan kemauan untuk bikin draft blog, ya udah, here we are!
Anw, 2023, samalah ya seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya ups and downs. Lots of stories, tears, laughs, cem-macemlah pokoknya.
Continue reading07 Friday Jul 2023
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It’s been a week, or maybe more, I feel like sad for no particular reason. Maybe there is a reason, but probably I’m not that brave to admit.
Two weeks ago, my days were a rollercoaster ride. We hosted an event, I had sleepless night for days, and was under so much stress but I went to another city in another country with friends—real ones, not only colleagues. It was like a major expensive sleepover with an ambitious project in between.
The event was a big success, and we were happy. Then it was followed by Eid Celebration. I went home for quite long holiday, with family and good foods. So I was not lonely (quite). But honestly between my busy schedule I was still wondering…
But maybe getting closure or anything is just not my luck.
Now really, I am feeling sad, and lonely…
Maybe it is just my high expectation that ruins me…
Or maybe it is just my PMS period that makes my mood in such a mess…
Saad…
atviana
07.07.2023
30 Friday Jun 2023
Posted Some Speeches (bla..bla..)
inTags
Have you ever been in a situation, that you are fully aware it is not good for you, but you want it so bad?Â
I am in the middle of the said situation. I know it is not good for me, but I want it so bad.Â
I have been praying, asking to be not too attached, with this situation,
but lately, I think, his presence is everywhere, in everything. Â
Stuff I bought, places I visited, foods I triedÂ
and for every new experience I want to try, we come first in mind.Â
I arrived at that point, that I used to avoid—I had tried very damn hard for these past years, but lately I was just loosing a grip.Â
12 Monday Jun 2023
Posted Some Speeches (bla..bla..)
inSatu pengalaman yang terjadi setelah pindah ke kosan baru yang beneran berada di sebelah setasiun MRT. Setiap jam 10 malam ke atas, akan ada suara musik menggelegar tapi hanya dalam hitungan beberapa detik, sekitar 5 atau 10 detik, yang kemudian sayup-sayup memudar. Aku udah sekitar dua bulan lebih tinggal di sini. Real nya sih sebulanan lah ya dikurangi wfh, tugas kantor keluar kota.
Anw, akhirnya semalam tadi ku baru tahu apa yang terjadi. Karena pulang hampir jam setengah sebelas. Terus stay ada beberapa menit di pick up area MRT. Ternyata ada pengamen yang lewat sekeluarga bawa bayi.
Pelajarannya apa kak?
Kalau aku g pulang jam segitu dan stay di situ, I wouldnt know for sure
Apa ya, you need to know and learn the truth to appreciate something, perhaps?
03 Wednesday May 2023
This is indeed ruining my head…
04 Wednesday Jan 2023
What a title…
Assalamu alaikum dear readers…
Jadi, liburan akhir tahun kemarin, saya dan keluarga melaksanakan Umrah, yang sepertinya tidak terencana, karena jujur aja semua keputusan diambil dadakan. Kami berlima hampir menjadi peserta paling terakhir yang mendaftar di kloter tersebut.
Dimulai saat ibuku sharing ada info kuota umroh yang dibimbing oleh ustadz yang rutin kajiannya dihadiri ibu dan bapak di Pati. Terus aku bilanglah, ya udah ayok lah kita berangkat, jangan wacana-wacana aja. Karena wacana ini sebenernya udah kayak ada dalam 2 tahun terakhir.
Akhirnya weekend itu datenglah berkunjung kita ke kediaman Ust. Afzha dan mengutarakan keinginan untuk mendaftar. Waktu itu niatnya cuma mau pergi berempat, ibuku, ayahku, anakku dan aku sendiri. Karena adekku masih di luar negeri dan belom pulang kan. Etapi setelah kita berempat mendaftar, ternyata adekku memutuskan untuk pulang, dan pengen ikut juga, ya udah disusulkan pendaftarannya, untung masih bisa.
Berangkatlah kami sekeluarga. MasyaAlloh…
Jadi tulisan ini semacam kontemplasi personal soal pilgrim ini.
Selama ini aku sering mendengar cerita-cerita betapa perjalanan umroh dan haji itu membekas banget dan sangat berkesan. Sebelumnya aku semacam merasa agak skeptis jujur aja, beneran g sih. Tapi ternyata, Subhanallah, benar adanya.
Cerita tiap-tiap orang akan berbeda ya, namun kesan yang ditimbulkan aku yakin membawa kepada suatu kesimpulan yang sama. Akhirnya saya paham apa yang dibicarakan oleh semua orang.
Mengapa mereka sedih ketika akan pulang ke tanah air, dan mengapa mereka semua rindu ingin kembali.
Ya Alloh aku merasakan hal yang sama.
…
…
Continue reading21 Thursday Jul 2022
I’ve been through a lot today, this week, and these past three weeks—My first three weeks of official working at the office. Still with flexibility but it is not too flexible for me of course. Being away quite too long from my little one for the first time in these past two and almost half years.
Truly, I am very grateful—and mentioned it everywhere for the past two years—this pandemic brought a silver lining to my whole life. As an introvert, I love working from home. It doesn’t mean I don’t like being with others, but I did not need that extra energy to socialise, if I was working at home.
I could maintain work and child care which I kinda missed in my first year of coming back to work as an office worker in 2019. Now, I’m adapting again. Even with the emotionally draining routines of working at home and childcare juggling, I think in the bigger picture it is more beneficial.
Alone, with lots of things to do and something upsetting happened, I feel like, I’ve been tested again with some life problems.
I wouldn’t be this disappointed if I was not been too invested in the plan and set my hopes too high. The last one is my biggest fault. I wasn’t supposed to put my hopes that high.
I need to bring everything back to Alloh…
Maybe it is just not meant to be, I said it over and over to myself after I received that news. And a little voice from the corner of my head whispered: this is it, when you put your hope in the wrong basket. You cannot lean on anyone else except Alloh…
I know, but it still hurt… A bit. Maybe a little too much.
…
Two weeks ago, finally, I talked to a psychologist. Something I supposed to do since four or five years ago. And I didn’t expect that I would be that transparent to someone I didn’t know.
I had some mental breakdowns in the session. Eventho I haven’t seen any significant changes, I feel like I really need therapy indeed.
I will be back home next week Insya Alloh and perhaps plan to book another appointment with my therapist to see if this is really working.
…
About the paper cut, I just cut my finger by a paper tag of a new pair of cheap black jeans I got from some e-comm. And then I realised, it was not only my finger. My heart was also cut by a piece of e-paper, mid-day, today…
atviana
13 Monday Jun 2022
Hari ini aku bertemu salah satu sahabat yang telah lama tidak berdua. Kayaknya ada enam tahun. Mengalir lah cerita-cerita. Kupikir aku sudah menjadi terbiasa. Namun ternyata ada air mata yang tetap mengalir meski diiringi senyum dan tawa…
Tiga jam kami bertukar kabar dan sapa. Pulang-pulang rada pening kepala…
Apa artinya? Tangis yang tertumpah tadi, air mata yang terurai, ternyata masih cukup banyak. Sakit kepala adalah respon tubuh terhadap kekurangan cairan sehabis menangis…
Hhh…
Ternyata, masih ada…
Air mata…
20 Friday May 2022
Halo! Jarang-jarang ngeposting di jam kerja.
Draft ini diketik sejak jam 10:56, hari Jumat tanggal 20 Mei 2022. Entah ya nanti ke posting jam berapa. Jadi aku tu berasa, beberapa skillset yang kupunya, yang officially bukan menjadi sebab aku diterima kerja malah sering banget kepakai akhir-akhir ini. Apa saja misalnya: design, menulis artikel populer atau maintenance wordpress. Terutama nih yang terakhir.
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