Why would I change now? Seven years and counting… Not even a slight chance! We burnt that bridge years ago…
23 Tuesday Apr 2024
Posted Some Speeches (bla..bla..)
in23 Tuesday Apr 2024
Posted Some Speeches (bla..bla..)
in08 Monday Apr 2024
Posted Revealing Me <3
inAssalamu’alaikum dear readers,
Malam ini adalah malam ke 30 Ramadhan di tahun ini. Besok insyaallah berpuasa terakhir. Entah mengapa Ketika sedang berbaring bersama bocil malam ini lepas jam 10, terbersit perasaan sedih.
Mungkin sedih karena Ramadhan sekali lagi akan berlalu. Sedih karena di empat hari terakhir ku malah g bisa puasa. Sedih nggak tahu mengapa, karena mungkin situasi menjelang lebaran terlalu banyak mengingatkan kepada masa lalu.
Putraku lahir tepat 2 hari sebelum lebaran. Jadinya mau nggak mau, diingat atau tidak, karena sudah terekam dibawah alam sadar, aku teringat masa-masa itu lagi. Enam bulan–setahun terkelam dalam sejarah. Selain itu, momen lebaran terlalu banyak pengingat.
Jadi jujur aja disetiap penghujung Ramadhan dan memasuki lebaran rasanya nano nano.
Bersedih juga karena rasanya belum maksimal ibadahnya. Dan pada ramadhan ini, aku semacam melalui satu pengalaman unik. Semacam sebuah momen kontemplasi religiusitas. Agak sulit dijabarkan secara gamblang, tapi semacam bertanya pada diri sendiri jadinya. Ku merasa bare minimum tetapi dalam pandangan “mereka” Kayaknya kita terlalu religius. Sedih sih. Gimana ya…
Nevertheless, semoga ibadah kita diterima oleh Alloh SWT.
🥲🤲🏻
wasalam
atviana
08 Thursday Feb 2024
Posted Artworks, Revealing Me <3
inToday is a holiday for Muslims all over the globe. And in Indonesia, we observe this holiday, and no offices or schools are open. BUT, unfortunately, today is not a UN holiday—it is very common, frankly speaking, but today can be added as your own floating holiday. BUT (secondly) I kind of forgot that today is a holiday. And I did not take annual leave today. It left me with an empty MRT station this morning and an almost empty office. Because most of my friends take today as a holiday. I can work from home today as I was working from the office yesterday and will be working from the office as well tomorrow where these two are my regular working from-home schedule… sigh…
Continue reading03 Wednesday Jan 2024
Tags
2023 in Review, Annual Review, autumn, Cruel Summer, Daylight, Eras Tour, friendship, Golden Autumn, Golden Hour IU, Japan, lesson learned, life, life lesson, Love, photography, Recap, romantic, Taylor Swift, travel
Ah apalah.. apalah…
Assalamu alaikum dear readers…
It’s been a really very long time for me not to post anything longer than 2 lines of my lash-out at something. Terus kayaknya untuk summary of 2023, yang tadinya niatnya mau bikin Reel, kok tetiba ada niat dan kemauan untuk bikin draft blog, ya udah, here we are!
Anw, 2023, samalah ya seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya ups and downs. Lots of stories, tears, laughs, cem-macemlah pokoknya.
Continue reading12 Monday Jun 2023
Posted Some Speeches (bla..bla..)
inSatu pengalaman yang terjadi setelah pindah ke kosan baru yang beneran berada di sebelah setasiun MRT. Setiap jam 10 malam ke atas, akan ada suara musik menggelegar tapi hanya dalam hitungan beberapa detik, sekitar 5 atau 10 detik, yang kemudian sayup-sayup memudar. Aku udah sekitar dua bulan lebih tinggal di sini. Real nya sih sebulanan lah ya dikurangi wfh, tugas kantor keluar kota.
Anw, akhirnya semalam tadi ku baru tahu apa yang terjadi. Karena pulang hampir jam setengah sebelas. Terus stay ada beberapa menit di pick up area MRT. Ternyata ada pengamen yang lewat sekeluarga bawa bayi.
Pelajarannya apa kak?
Kalau aku g pulang jam segitu dan stay di situ, I wouldnt know for sure
Apa ya, you need to know and learn the truth to appreciate something, perhaps?
19 Thursday Jan 2023
Posted Art of motherhood, Revealing Me <3
inI haven’t seen my son for almost three weeks now. Since the last time when I was home on year-end holiday when we had Umrah pilgrim. Sometimes in some videos my sister sent me, I saw him as a little boy, a very little one, too cute to be a kindergartener that will be an elementary school student, this July–the next academic year…
But sometimes, I find him grow too fast.
Especially after three weeks of separation, you’ll find your little one, somehow is getting bigger unexpectedly. I’m on a mission to Dili now. InsyaAllah return to Jakarta on Saturday and go home the following Wed. I return home mid-week to have working from home period followed by weekend and return to Jakarta on Sunday, most probably.
I know, some people might see this inconvenience, but I’m aware that, this is our sacrifice. Not only mine, but also my son. And as the lesson learned we had during the sacred pilgrim, that Alloh will keep us safe and sufficient…
11 Thursday Aug 2022
Posted Art of motherhood
inJudulnya sesuatu ya bunn…
Ahaha..
Jadi dua bulan terakhir ku udah mulai WFO, masih ada kelonggaran WFH sih, tetapi situasi tidak memungkinkan untuk banyak lama di rumah, jadi bisanya pulang dua minggu sekali. Empat hari sampai semingguan lah di rumah. Tergantung sikon.
Malam tadi ku baru sampe rumah, sekitar jam 2, bocah udah tidur tentunya. Nggak gw bangunin, doski tidur sama Uti dan Kungnya. Yang lucunya, Ketika gw sholat subuh, doski meringsek masuk kamar. Wkwk… trus beres sholat ku uyel-uyel lah.. Trus doski tanya, “Bukta kangen Awo?”
Wkwk lucu kaliii…
Terus abis itu kan kumandiin buat pergi sekolah, dia ngasih briefing nanti di sekolah bakal ngapain aja. Setelah ngebriefing ibuknya, doski makan dan minum susu. Pilih kaos kaki kuning buat dipakai dan berangkat sekolah bareng Kung—setengah tujuh udah cuss…
Terus Uti cerita, kemarin malam, sambil menunggu gw pulang doski mengadakan diskusi, monolog sambil bertanya-tanya, kenapa gw nggak kerja di Jogja aja, biar doski bisa jemput naik mobil katanya… wkwk…
Trus doski nanya Utinya, kapan libur panjang. Ditanya balik sama Utinya, emangnya mau ngapain kalo libur panjang, katanya doski mau jalan-jalan, ke Semarang kah, Jogja kah atau ke Jakarta ceunah…
LoL anak gw udah kayak orang gede ngomongnya.
Begitulah, update kita hari ini. Ditulis disini agar jadi pengingat, bahwa doski udah tambah gede…
Cheers
Atviana
21 Thursday Jul 2022
I’ve been through a lot today, this week, and these past three weeks—My first three weeks of official working at the office. Still with flexibility but it is not too flexible for me of course. Being away quite too long from my little one for the first time in these past two and almost half years.
Truly, I am very grateful—and mentioned it everywhere for the past two years—this pandemic brought a silver lining to my whole life. As an introvert, I love working from home. It doesn’t mean I don’t like being with others, but I did not need that extra energy to socialise, if I was working at home.
I could maintain work and child care which I kinda missed in my first year of coming back to work as an office worker in 2019. Now, I’m adapting again. Even with the emotionally draining routines of working at home and childcare juggling, I think in the bigger picture it is more beneficial.
Alone, with lots of things to do and something upsetting happened, I feel like, I’ve been tested again with some life problems.
I wouldn’t be this disappointed if I was not been too invested in the plan and set my hopes too high. The last one is my biggest fault. I wasn’t supposed to put my hopes that high.
I need to bring everything back to Alloh…
Maybe it is just not meant to be, I said it over and over to myself after I received that news. And a little voice from the corner of my head whispered: this is it, when you put your hope in the wrong basket. You cannot lean on anyone else except Alloh…
I know, but it still hurt… A bit. Maybe a little too much.
…
Two weeks ago, finally, I talked to a psychologist. Something I supposed to do since four or five years ago. And I didn’t expect that I would be that transparent to someone I didn’t know.
I had some mental breakdowns in the session. Eventho I haven’t seen any significant changes, I feel like I really need therapy indeed.
I will be back home next week Insya Alloh and perhaps plan to book another appointment with my therapist to see if this is really working.
…
About the paper cut, I just cut my finger by a paper tag of a new pair of cheap black jeans I got from some e-comm. And then I realised, it was not only my finger. My heart was also cut by a piece of e-paper, mid-day, today…
atviana
13 Monday Jun 2022
Hari ini aku bertemu salah satu sahabat yang telah lama tidak berdua. Kayaknya ada enam tahun. Mengalir lah cerita-cerita. Kupikir aku sudah menjadi terbiasa. Namun ternyata ada air mata yang tetap mengalir meski diiringi senyum dan tawa…
Tiga jam kami bertukar kabar dan sapa. Pulang-pulang rada pening kepala…
Apa artinya? Tangis yang tertumpah tadi, air mata yang terurai, ternyata masih cukup banyak. Sakit kepala adalah respon tubuh terhadap kekurangan cairan sehabis menangis…
Hhh…
Ternyata, masih ada…
Air mata…
20 Friday May 2022
Halo! Jarang-jarang ngeposting di jam kerja.
Draft ini diketik sejak jam 10:56, hari Jumat tanggal 20 Mei 2022. Entah ya nanti ke posting jam berapa. Jadi aku tu berasa, beberapa skillset yang kupunya, yang officially bukan menjadi sebab aku diterima kerja malah sering banget kepakai akhir-akhir ini. Apa saja misalnya: design, menulis artikel populer atau maintenance wordpress. Terutama nih yang terakhir.
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