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Assalamu ‘alaikum wr. wb. 

Hallo, hallo, it has been almost 3 months for me not managing my only and best outlet of curcol (read: this blog). Yak, flash update: I moved to Samarinda last May, took my maternity leave starting also from May, and directly resigned from my post in UNESCO. Hiks, sedih sih… 

I could say, me working in UNESCO is (still) my dream comes true. Because I have been dreaming of working for UN since I was a kid. So Me parting ways with my dream job is another kind of broken heart. Well, leaving Jakarta–and of course my working routine–brought me closer to my husband. That was the whole point of this sacrifice. *lebay kalik

And somehow, it will be so cruel if I decided to have my baby living far away from his Dad, as bad as if I did not fully taking care of him. For side note, even if I chose the last option, there is no one available to co-nurse my baby while I am working. So it was not an option anymore. Even though I convinced my family and my husband that, insyaAlloh that kind of job will be easily found when I’m ready–in that way, hopefully I could convice my self–however, the worry is still there like a very high tide. 

The anxiety of being less actualized person surfaced when I was contemplating to be full time homey mommey. Yet for me it was the only possible choice I had. Now I am at home, nursing Nara. 

Every decision has its bundle of consequences, like every choice has its own risks and opportunities. That’s life, completely normal. The challenge lies only on how I handle life. That’s it. 

I realize to understand this condition and stuffs, it needs time and I am procrastinating to be there, where I will come to an actualization that being a mom–even not that so perfect one–is actually a part of successful self-actualization. 

With abundant of love,

Wassalamu alaikum wr. wb. 

atviana

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